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| Fasting has been working out... I went to bed at 4 and I only got 6 hours of sleep last night. It's currently 11:07 so that means.... 11 hours down, lol. Which is really easy because I normally I don't eat till around 3-4ish.
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I can sooo do this... hopefully.
The main thing I'm worried about is that today is mothers day and my grandma just randomly showed up at my house with a ton of grocceries and a cake for my mom. She also told me to cook dinner for my mom before she gets home from work so that she could just relax on mothers day. My mom really deserves it. I'm just scared that I might fail because of the cake or dinner or whatever. Cooking food and not eating it. That sounds interesting. I'll probably feel alot stronger if I can accomplish that.
I think about it this way, if I do cave in a end up eating something or even binging, whats it all for? I think about the guilty DISCUSTING feeling I'll get after I eat and how I'll go into depressed mode... and usually thats enough to keep me from doing it. Lets hope thats the case today.
btw, random I know, but my mom is actually skinnier than me. There was a point in time a few years ago when I was 110 and I was thinner than my mom, then about a year ago when I did the pill diet last year, my mom did it too and I was thinner than her. We used to share clothes even, but now she's alot thinner than me.
I'm so sick of my family when it comes to weight. My sister is 125 and she's 5'7 so shes pretty small. She is also obsessed with her weight so every other word out of her mouth is "Im a fucking whale" and blah blah. She makes me feel sooo discusting compared to her. Her and my mom tend to poke fun at my weight quite often and it really pisses me off but I guess I deserve it because I AM a piggywigggy.
I don't know how I possibley allowed myself to gain 70 lbs over the course of only 3 years... that is soo unhealthy. how did that happen? UGH. I blame my recent weight gain (since last summer where I was 150) to my boyfriend because all he ever did was feed me feed me feed me. UGH. He used to make me feel like shit about myself to so I'd binge.
I remember one night inparticular.. it was already really late, like 10pm or something and we went in his house and got into this huge fight (i forgot what it was about) I went to take a shower and I cried and cried and when I got out I was furious. He left a giant bowl of speghetti with bread on his bed (he knows thats my favorite) and since I was so pissed I remember sitting there and stuffing a huge amount of food in my mouth at a time and eating fast and ALOT. I remember he was watching me in discuss, and I didn't care I was pissed and all I was thinking was "Im a fatass and who the fuck cares anymore, Im ugly, and discusting and Im just gonna eat this all because Im a fucking fat bitch". Afterwards I just curled up into a ball and cried. *Shutters* discusting.
I stilll don't get it tho, I remember when I was 110 and I was a size 1. I remember I slowly went up to 120 then 130 all the while thinking I was a discusting pig, I somehow crept my way up to 140 and I remember telling myself that never in my life would I allow myself to be 150 or over. then what happens? I hop on a scale and I'm magically 150... then 160... then 170... NOW 180 WTF!? I think about it this way... I AM 20LBS AWAY FROM FUCKING 200LBS. NOOOOO. I feel sooo gross right now it's not even funny. I just want to cry. I wish taking off the pounds were as easy as gaining them. *siiiigh*
I also need to learn to quit smoking, because then I can't work out. I'd be out of breath way too easily.
Anyway. It's is sunday, technically "the begining of the week" soooo I'm gonna set a goal for next sunday. Lets see what I can loose in a week.Well I weighed myself this morning and I was 181, sooo Im gonna set a goal at 174. Seven pounds.. think I can do that. I hopeee.
Ill try to keep this whole thing updated. Wish me luck<3
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| Wow, I'm depressed, and very pathetic. I have absolutely no will power! WHYY?? Ugh, I make myself fucking sick.
I've managed to gain more weight.. I'm up to 183. How the fuck? I can never do anything right! When I was skinny and used to get stressed out I wouldn't eat, now when I'm stressed all I ever seem to do is eat. Hopefully by the end of this month I can get another bottle of those lovely pills from last summer. But this time I will have the money to stick to it, and hopefully in 4-5 months (concidering it is possible to loose 15 lbs in one month with those) I can loose those 60 discusting pounds from my whale body. Then slowly make my way down to 110 from there. It seems like a hard task but I'm willing to take it on. ANYTHING, to be thin.
Wish me luck<3
 
It's currently 4 in the morning Im surprised I havent slept yet.
FAST FAST FAST:
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  So yesterday I set my goals for my fruit diet, which I was supposed to test all this week. There was only one small problem about that today, I had to go to my grandmothers house, and there is no healthy food there.. at all. And pretty much, there, if my grandmother doesn't see me eat (reguardless of a diet) she'll think I'm unhealthy and I have an eating disorder (which I don't really have) Sooooo... I ate more than just fruits. Blehhh. BUT Today there are no exceptions, thankfully I'm going out with friends today, and I'm going to leave my money at home so I don't buy any bad foods while I'm out at the mall. Diet Rules:
NO FAST FOOD!
NO SODA!
NO BINGING!
8 Glasses of Water (:/ only drank 5)
Eat Only fruits SOME granola (Didn't do that)
Burn 400 Cal. Work out
(+100 for every non-fruit item)
Intake for yesterday: (HORRIBLE!)
Water
Honey Dew Melon (28)
Nature Valley Protien Bar (200)
Crackers (200)
Green Tea (70)
Saimin &Kamaboko (210) (It's japanese btw)
Total Intake: 708 (aaahhh!!) Outake: DDR work out (-300)
AB work out (-100)
Fast Paste Dance work out (-100) Total Outake: -500 708 - 500 = 208
That's pretty good... for me atleast. =]
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I'm sick of seeing myself in the mirror. I'm sick of dropping my fasts and binging and not throwing up because of guilt. I'm sick of saying I'll accomplish my goal when I'm nowhere near it. I barely feel like I'm trying, but I am. I just have no self disipline, no will power, nothing. I'm weak, and that's the best way to put it. I want to be strong. I want to over come. I want to be as skinny if not skinner than my "perfect" sister. I want this soo bad. And if I do, why am I not sacrificing for this? I need to learn how to disipline myself, how to say no to binges. To learn to stride. I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. I WILL do this.
Today, I made peace with a girl I was at conflict with for over an entire year. She once was my best friend and we did everything together, there was a time where we both were the same size, and actually a point in time where I was SMALLER than her. In that year apart she loss alot of weight, and I gained alot of weight. Seeing her today made me sad, she's skinny (not SUPER thin, but thin enough) and she is gorgeous. I'm glad we made peace, but I have a secret desire to become the same weight as her, if not even less than her. She motivated me to do so just by being around me and by making me feel like a huge piggy. I need to prove to her that I'm just as good and as pretty as her if not better. This WILL happen.
Starting tomorrow morning I'm beggining my fruit ONLY diet. I can only eat fruits, and drink water. And if I eat one of those little bags of 100 calorie snacks, I HAVE to work off that amount of calories + my usual 300 workout. I'm going to push myself to the limit. Because I'm in it to win it...hahahhahahahaha. No seriously I am. 500 cal burn work out. Ab work out. Push ups, stretches, and dance work out.. plus fruit diet.. for an entire week starting tomorrow... I CAN DO THIS!!!!!<3
Wish me luck loves. I wish you the best of luck too with your struggles. STAY STRONG<3
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